On becoming the person my younger self needed

Thanks for reading Trigger Warning! My monthly(ish) newsletter about interpersonal trauma, the people who survive it, and the world that allows it to happen. This is free thanks to my Patreon supporters. Support this labor of love and justice for just $1/mo.

Since late 2018, life events spurred me to start reading a lot about psychological trauma. It’s been eye-opening and really affirming, but it also really pissed me off?? Why is this information so hard to find?? Why isn’t it more well-known? There's so much info out there about healing that could have saved me a lot of pain from the self blame and shame over something not my fault.

When Tufts University expelled me after refusing to help me when I reported a student for rape and abuse, I plunged into a deep depression and self-loathing. When they disposed of me, it was like they agreed with my abuser who told me that I was worthless.

I blamed myself for Tufts’ response. I internalized their lies and convinced myself that I could have controlled the situation somehow by being more perfect. I believed that they would have seen my humanity and had compassion if behaved better.

But I was so, so wrong.

My trauma responses were normal. I was not unreasonable to expect basic decency and support. The shame is on the salaried adults who refused to believe and help a young traumatized women. The blame is on a corrupt institution that oversees generations of students traumatized by sexual violation and unaccountabled assailants.

It took me a while to get here, though.

So I’ve been asking myself, what can I contribute to the world? What relief can I create from my pain? I what can I do for survivors of sex and domestic violence, who are often ignored or used as pawns to make a political point. Yes, #metoo has taken off, but the focus largely remains on rich, white women who have a level resources and support that most victims will never get.

All survivors of sexual and domestic violence endure a lot of stigma. Even if we don’t internalize it, we come into contact with people who perpetuate it. Not only do survivors have to deal with healing from the initial trauma, pervasive stigma has a negative impact on health, school/work, and our relationships.

Research shows shame and self-blame very common among survivors and it's a huge barrier to healing and reconnection. I want to help chip away at that barrier by sharing what I've learned that’s helped me along my personal journey.

Trauma is isolating and social media has been an integral part of my personal story. It’s a great place to connect with others and feel less alone, but it's risky place—trolls can target survivors for harassment. That's why I try my best to create spaces where survivors can share and hopefully get validation.

Take this, for example:

(I really recommend checking out the responses. They’re really good!)

It’s eye opening how many of us had to feel and learn the same things about surviving and recovery. In matter related to abuse and violence, society teaches us the wrong things, i.e. only worry about strangers, words can’t be abusive, time naturally heals all wounds. This leaves us unprepared for trauma’s reality and largely influenced by the luck of the draw for a good therapist, friend, etc.

The right info is out there—it’s just drowned out by a lot of bullshit. I want to save time and pain by helping you find resources that are actually helpful. Even if you’re not a survivor, I hope this will make you a better ally and bystander.

I want to be the person I wish I had around when I started my journey and inspire others to be good community members. I want to go beyond awareness and actually educate survivors who are struggling and agitating allies into action.

A quick word on meditation and trauma

So I'll part with you today with some thoughts about mindfulness. I listened to an recent episode of the Business Wars Daily podcast about Headspace's quest for world domination (a paraphrase—but you know what I mean). Meditation is quickly becoming mainstream, but I worry. In a capitalist world where profits are king, Headspace execs are incentivized to push it onto EVERYONE as a universal good.

A book I just started reading shows that can be dangerous.

In Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness, the author David A. Treleaven explains the prevalence of trauma and how meditation can be triggering and more harmful for trauma survivors if they're not careful. I'm really enjoying it and recommend checking it out.

I'll be sharing a more in-depth review for Patreon subscribers when I'm done.

Related: if you’re a trauma survivor who has struggled with meditating, Healing Meditations for Trauma may be a helpful resource, too.

Hope you'll stick with me on this journey and you'll find what I share helpful. All of us (survivors or not) can benefit from a deeper, more accurate understanding standing of trauma. It's helped me feel more compassion for myself and others. I think the world needs more of that.

‘Til next time,

Wagatwe

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P.S. A book containing an essay I wrote about my viral hashtag #SurvivorPrivilege is coming out soon! Pre-order #Hashtagactivism: Networks of Race and Gender Justice by Sarah J. Jackson, Moya Bailey, and Brooke Foucault Welles. Catch the authors of #Hashtagactivism in NYC at Strand Books on March 3rd at 7:30pm.