“Go to therapy!”

Therapy won't solve misogyny

November 20, 2019

Telling shitty men to go to therapy might be fun and, uh, therapeutic but it’s not quite correct.

I'm a little disappointed that International Men's day is literally the day after my birthday but I can't change it. Might as well use it to highlight genuine men's issues instead of parading misogyny like men’s rights activists (MRAs) tend to do.

There's a range of emotions in the feminist discourse around men, masculinity, and their impact on society. Talking about gender under patriarchy can be very touchy (just like talking about whiteness and race under white supremacy is freaking hard). Defensiveness from people who’re completely invested in the status quo of male supremacy. There's more than enough space for everyone's rage, humor, and completely serious commentary on toxic and healthy masculinities.

But this International Men's Day, I wondered about the jokes.

I’ve increasingly seen some variety of “get a therapist!” in online discussions about (or with) abusive men. It’s become so prolific it’s almost a meme. But there's a bit of a problem: men abuse women because of their misogyny, not their mental health. They feel entitled to mistreat their partners, family members, classmates, etc. Their entitlement is a part of their value system, which needs to be fundamentally changed. Going to a therapist won't do that.

If ending men's violence against women is the goal, going to a therapist is an inadequate solution. Most men don't have access to it—and those who do end up going often get worse. It’s common for the abusive man to become even more self centered and become more dangerous because they’re are equipped with new language to dress up their manipulations and weave new justifications for the abuse.

It also kinda lets everyone else off the hook. We can't place the onus of ending misogyny on an entire profession. It takes a group effort to hold abusers accountable and support them through change. It’s important to not pass the buck; we need to discuss how we can combat misogyny in everyday life. It takes a village.

Ideally, having professional/expert help would be one piece of a larger support system to deprogram misogyny. But as domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft explains in Should I Stay or Should I Go?, the kind of counseling given is vital.

"…[T]he research on the effectiveness of counseling indicates that a successful outcome tends to come about only when the following conditions are met: (1) there is a particularly good fit between counselor and client; (2) there are clear goals set for the counseling process and a plan for how those goals will be achieved; (3) the type of counseling being used—and there are many, many different kinds—is appropriate for the client’s personal style and the specific problems that he or she is having."

These variables show therapy isn’t a silver bullet. If we want men to stop hurting women, we can’t send them to any counselor. They need someone who specifically works with abusive men. Lundy continues:

"The appropriate service for a man who abuses his partner is called an “abuser intervention program” or a “batterer intervention program,” where most of the work is done in groups. (In a few states, it is referred to as “batterer treatment,” but that term has mostly gone out of use.) This is the right program for him even if he has never physically assaulted, sexually assaulted, or threatened you; in other words, even if his abuse does not include violence. If he says, “I’m not going to go sit in a room with a bunch of batterers”—a common excuse used by abusers (including violent ones) not to go to a program—then he isn’t ready yet to deal seriously with his behavior."

There's a lot of misinformation about misogynist abuse out there, especially around solutions to ending it. I know the phrase is often used in jest, but I worry about the subliminal messages it sends to abusers and their victims about effective options.

“Go to therapy” may be a fun meme, but if we’re not careful it’ll perpetuate the myth that 50 minutes of cognitive behavior therapy a week is sufficient to undo a lifetime of cultural reinforcement of sexist beliefs and behaviors.

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